New Year, Old Weirdo

My final rant on the absurdity of "New Year, New You," comes from the discovery that as I get older, the goal becomes less and less to become some other, "better" version of me. Instead, I'm constantly trying to remember and return to my forgotten 10-year old self,  who was bullied for being weird.

And I was. Totally weird.
(Still am!)

But that same weirdness is the thing that feeds my creativity, and all my best sparks are in that weirdness.

What I want most for all of us is a chance to return to our original selves.
To tap into that heart and naiveté and oddball of our pre-adolescent selves.

And find our tribe - there. 
The people who cackle with us, whose eyes twinkle at our devious plans, who want to join the roller coaster of our wild imaginings.



******

If you're struggling with making time or space for your creative practice, I hear you. I'd love to connect. Come find me on Instagram @SamGarlandNYC.


(photo credit: Janae Jones Photography)  

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Transcript

01:03 Hi my friends welcome back to Be Your Own Damn Muse. I'm feeling this title even
more today actually because I'm still riffing on this theme of how much I hate New
Year. New you and. I was thinking about how. I actually went to this networking event in
January. It was online. It was over zoom. It was with several film programmers who
were all women who were totally ****** amazing people that I really wanted to impress
and it was mostly a panel so it wasn't like there was a whole bunch of opportunity to
talk to them. Which is probably good because honestly, I was sitting there the whole
time and you know how zoom is? You're just sort of watching yourself the whole time,
which is so terrible, wonderful and terrible. Maybe both, but I just swear to God. The
whole time I was thinking am I pretty? I hope they like me. I hope I'm pretty and - it kind
of crushed my artist soul that that's what I was so invested in that that was my
translation of "Am I valuable? Do I matter?" And what was really interesting was that I had
gone away over the holiday winter break and met a whole bunch of lovely humans.
And one of them in particular. We had been taking this like really beautiful long walk in
the park, which I have to say was freezing cold. And and listening to him talk he was
just as deeply creative, human and listening to him talk about the world in his head,
the. He was working on a play and sort of the way he related to the characters and his
play. The way he related to all the characters and the different plays and novels. He
had written the way he just it felt so alive in his own mind. This deep, deep, vast
imagination and I was walking beside him, thinking my God. I used to be like that like

(03:00)
when I was a kid. I was a super weird kid. I'm probably a super weird adult. Also, I've
just gotten really good at hiding it or polishing the edges of it to be honest, but when I
was a kid, I. And probably a lot of you guys can relate to this, but I feel embarrassed
talking about it. It's really hard to name it like I was huge hard on my sleeve all the time
I felt. I don't know. I was like that kid at Valentine's Day who wanted everyone to have a
Valentine's Day card and really feel loved and really feel like they belonged and I. Did
not have a cool bone in my body still don't which made you know, starting middle
school really really really rough. But also like deeply spiritual. And an incredibly intuitive
I could kind of just see what was happening around me on a larger level, UM, kind of
how people were relating to each other, the stuff that was going on, like I didn't even
know how I just had an eye for it and I remember. I think being like 10 or something
ridiculously young and sitting down a couple who were married who were to me
seemed very old were probably just like 30 or something like that and somehow
explaining to them what was wrong with their marriage. Which is insane. Now that I
think about it, but I also just in my 10 year old brain I was like I'm sure they want to
know this because I'm sure they would want to know like what's messing them up and
how they can treat each other better and like be better humans, right? Like I had. No
social skills of that conversation needs to be invited. People need to request feedback.
Some people don't want to know what's actually going on or aren't ready to face it for
lots of reasons, right. I just kind of like could see how people were struggling with stuff
and I always wanted to fix it for them or let them know that I was something that could
be fixed in my naive brains, making all things could be fixed, UM. And. And I yeah, so I
transferred

(05:00) schools actually in fifth grade and went from a very small, very kind pack of females.
Lovely held group of women to like the school that had really crested into, UM,
coolness. Like there was a social hierarchy. There was all these rule like, unlike
unspoken coded rules about how to dress and how you would go to the bathroom in
pairs, so you could talk about boys like things I did not understand and it was. It was
really rough and I got pretty badly bullied. Actually I think so badly I. I don't really
remember it. My mom tells me about it or has mentioned in the past, so I and I, you
know, from like middle school through high school where I did have friends 'cause I fell
into the theater crab. It was very much a loner and into college which was not a great
fit. I just I didn't really understand how people. Related to each other and I like I wasn't
good at water cooler chitchat. I didn't understand what people talked about when
they weren't talking about big life questions and "where  are we headed?" and "what did it all
mean?" Like I really didn't understand how to talk about the weather or TV shows and -  I
remember post college actually reading books on like small talk on making friends on
this very deep belief that everything is figure out able. You know that everything can
be learned. I think social skills can be learned and I've certainly learned them. People
who meet me now. You know, especially when I'm nervous, but like in general, when
I'm feeling awkward, I lean into my charm. I lean into one of the best skill sets I think I
picked up is the ability to like, translate the weird in my head 'cause something that I
used to do as a kid that I've noticed I still do is like sometimes I'll be in a situation and
someone will say something in my brain skips like like makes 3 connections off of what
they said and suddenly I'm laughing at a joke that is only inside my head that would
only make sense if I could explain the three leaps my brain took that is so like
viscerally, alive for me, that I'm cackling

(07:00) and I'm like I'm a weirdo laughing over here at something. And sometimes, and I've
gotten better at being like, oh, this is where my brain went, which was funny to me.
And sometimes that's not well received still, and sometimes people are much more
graceful about it. And but like gotten good at like sort of explaining those things, and
understanding how that lands among those who don't have a brain that jumps on its
own to whole other jokes that it can't explain, right?

(07:27) Anyway, so I think a lot of us, especially as artists I've read this a lot, I've heard this a lot,
I think. Also just the universal experience of most children. One of the deep sadnesses
of socialization of schooling is how much homogeneity there is and how much people
who are different in any way really get bullied out of it. And I think a lot of us get very
good at polishing ourselves and making ourselves fit and for so long I was so. Angry at
myself for deeply wanting to fit and kind of having twisted myself into the ways that
you know. Am I pretty? Do you like me like I'm mad at myself for wanting that? But the
truth is? That is like an essential human need that is like inner bone marrow to need to
belong. It's not like I'm sitting there consciously being like, oh, I wish that they would
be my friend. It's it pulls from us. It is in our DNA to need to belong to other people. So
of course, if you're going to be bullied and felt ostracized for being different in any
way, there are those. Bless them who are good at walking their own path, but even
they I think, to some degree, suffer like we're always having to figure out. How do I?
How do I listen to my inner voice and listen to this weird wonderfulness inside of me
and also belong? And part of that is finding tribes that are a better fit. You know, part
of the trouble with schools is it's a whole large group of people who are very different
and are just

(09:00) kind of geographically thrown, like thrown together because of geographics and they
might not be your people and a lot of the scars of most of have as adults is we're still
trying to make up for how we didn't belong in school without realizing we get to
choose our communities and our tribes now and we get to be much more specific
about: I want to find my weird people.  I know where I fit.  And so I was
thinking about this whole "New Year, New You." As long as I did as well as I was thinking
about wow, like how much I missed that weird 10 year old me who just like saw the
world in such radically different ways and didn't think a whole bunch about saying that
which is like Oh yeah, this is what I see. And this is how my brain functions. And this is
what I find hilarious, even if it makes no sense to you. And I feel like the older I get,
the more the work is not to become a different newer version of myself, but actually to
return to the weird 10 year old I was to like the weird, wonderful. Oddball, who saw the
world in her own way and I'm really grateful for the skill sets I've picked up along the
way that allowed me to connect with people even when we have different weirdness is
or Muggles? If you would, who? Maybe don't think in the same way that I do, because I
do still think connection is so important, but I also feel like a lot of my creativity and
artistry is really hindered by that deep desire to undo the sort of bullying and othering
that I went through when I was a kid, which. Again, I think is super common but has
real lasting effects. And I was like mad at myself at this networking event for just
being like, my creativity doesn't lie in trying to be pretty. You know, my creativity is like
this - the weirdness in me that sees the world and remakes things that it has seen and
read and thought about, 

(11:00)
in some new way, and that the you know, the most alive creativity that we've all
experienced. Whether it's a book or a play or a painting music, it's because somebody
touched their, you know, they innersole something about them that that had maybe
never been thought before, never been put in those words before. It's always going to
be like a weird new thing to other people, and the more you can stand in your
weirdness and love it. I think the more creativity you can share with the world, the
more you have that resource available to you and. So I don't know I I was like what is
my? What is my tool for getting there? I don't know. I think this is kind of the path I've
been on for a long time of how do I? How do I make friends like I actually? The more
that I sort of tune into myself and kind of. I'm just really grateful to like be good
company with my rear 10 year old self like when I'm out and I'll I'll think a joke that I find
is hilarious and I'll just kind of approve of like oh I love that I can make myself laugh
while I'm out walking and talking to myself in my head up and that might be super
weird to say I'm embarrassed that I'm saying that but that's what makes me good
company. To me is that I can tap into myself and my mind and my imagination and the
things that I think about and see in the world that maybe others don't see or don't
think about and. I think what's interesting is that I've been doing that work on myself
because I want to be good company with myself. One of the things that my coach says
that I think is so brilliant is the longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself
and we invest so much time in trying to find the perfect partner or the perfect spouse.
The perfect, you know, fix our relationship with our kids and our parents and and
those are all wonderful endeavors, but the truth is we don't spend nearly enough time,
if any, on the relationship we have with ourselves. On

(13:00) being friends with ourselves, and so I've been doing that work for myself. Which
coincided very well with the pandemic and the amount of time I spent on my own. But
like really how to be friends with myself. So if no one is around, I can enjoy my time
with myself and in that work what I'm rediscovering is my inner 10 year old weirdo. And
I say weirdo with total love like I love that kid. I love that she's like kind of gangly and
pudgy, and has weird opinions and says the wrong thing at the wrong time. And I
wouldn't necessarily say all those things, or you know, out loud in in mixed company
now, but I like knowing her and the more that I like knowing her and the more that I
like poor approval into her, the more I feel like those scripts that I'm writing and the
auditions that I'm doing and the essays I'm working on in the music that I want to make
comes alive because also those things become things that I'm doing for my 10 year old
self. They become less and less about. Do they like me? Am I pretty? Are they going to
program my film, you know, am I good enough? Which is the question? We're all
walking around with and it becomes so much more about. That cracked me up. And
like that's enough, you know? If we can crack ourselves up at the end of the day, God,
what a gift that is. So here's my hope for you. In 2022. No more of this new year. New
you ********. I say new year old you how can you go back to loving the inner kid? The
weird kid, the kid that maybe didn't make sense in school or didn't make sense to your
weird kid, the kid that maybe didn't make sense in school or didn't make sense to your
family or had weird ideas about the art that they wanted to make in the world and the
stories they wanted to tell, or even just weird ideas about who they wanted to love and
how they wanted to love. There's so many ways that we are all wonderfully magically
different and unfortunately not great, especially in the early years of celebrating that
in each other. And

(15:00) I think it can be the work of a lifetime to return to that. Wishing you the best, my friends. Be well.