Terrixcited

I've launched on an adventure that is equal parts terrifying and exciting, so my brother and I came up with a new word for it: terrixcited.

We wanted to capture how doing the absolute right next thing sometimes also leaves you shaking.

I also talk about what I learned from Cheryl Strayed's advice "not to let your dreams ruin your life."

And what it is to break out of the binary of artist/ non artist, and decide your entire life is an artistic creation.



Pssst.... now you can also watch the episode on YouTube !

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Transcript

Hi my friends, welcome back to be your own damn muse. Um, I'm feeling the title a little extra tonight because I'm really excited to share the adventure that I've been on recently, which I think very much ties into the theme of what this podcast started as way back when in year two of the plague. Um. I did something kind of crazy. Kind of terrifying and exciting at the same time. And my brother and I came up with a word tear excited. We were trying to figure out how to talk about something that you know is the right thing, that you are so excited that you get to do and also is absolutely terrifying you. Um, and that is that. I left Brooklyn. At the end of August, I. Totally unexpected. I mean, up until six weeks before I have always loved living in Brooklyn. I very much consider myself in Brooklyn. I I was really shocked and pleased and delighted to discover that during the pandemic it was a really good place to be. I I could wander, you know, the streets are so gorgeous. All the different neighborhoods. I would pick a different direction each morning and just find new architecture and new beautiful spaces and you could sit in a park and watch people play basketball and roller skate. And there was. Especially if you're a single person, it felt like a good place to be alone together. Prospect Park was amazing, and we were all showing up there to have socially distant picnics and join the Botanical Garden. Anyway, I could go on. I love Brooklyn so much, and I really never thought I would leave. And as probably all of you know, the rents have been going up and one of the hardest things about living in Brooklyn. Is that people move, leave kind of every two years. You're constantly losing friends to, you know, they want to start families or they just need more space, or they have a job somewhere else, or they're burned out, all of these things. And so people are constantly sort of 

leaving and you have to actively replenish your friend pool, which got very hard during the pandemic. And I just reached a point where I thought, I don't know, that I wanted to be this hard, to have a community of people that I can reach out to, that I can hang out with. I love Brooklyn, but the other part that's hard is that even your friends who are around it can take two months of planning to figure out when you can see each other because everyone's really busy and pulled in a lot of directions and it's an amazing energy and an amazing city. But I just, I don't know, I just needed something different and. I had thought, OK, I'll re up my lease for a year and I'll research, God bless Google that had like places to live after Brooklyn. And there's a list of like the Brooklyn and every one of the 50 states. Like the Internet is my friend. So I was researching because I really didn't know where I wanted to go. I knew I wanted it to be vibrant. And creative and but also spark my creativity and also allow me to rest and reset. And the idea of being able to go to someone's house and drink a beer and hang out on their couch, maybe cider because I'm gluten free, but like hang out on their couch on on an evening or on a weekend and not have to plan and organize and you know, it's just it's just harder in the city. And so I was going to stay an extra year in Brooklyn and try out like fly to Minneapolis had come up as an idea. Charlotte came up as an idea. And I thought, OK, well, I'll live in Brooklyn, but sort of knowing I'm heading out in the next year and I'll start looking. And I visited my friend, one of my dearest friends who during the pandemic left Brooklyn with her family and started renting Airbnbs in different States and went all the way out West through Oregon, sorry, through Seattle, out to Oregon. And then came back and finally, I think last year bought an RV and went full 

RV life. And I was visiting them at an RV camp and really shocked by how lovely it felt. How. It didn't feel like we were missing anything. It was this really beautiful idea of community. I'm not a big clutter person to begin with, so it didn't feel like anything was missing in terms of space or things to carry with you. It was weirdly peaceful, and she had this suggestion that rather than stay in Brooklyn another year when I knew I wasn't going to stay in Brooklyn, maybe the goal or the idea would be to leave for a year and rent Airbnbs and really try out different cities. Like really be a local. And I had this full body yes reaction that really surprised me because I had not been thinking of leaving. Up until we started talking about it and then suddenly it was oh, I'm leaving in a month. I think it was six weeks out. I think it was mid-july and I was like, ohh OK. And I came home. And I will say I have to shout this out because I promised to be the poster child for antidepressants. antidepressants. episodes ago I was saying how I've started taking antidepressants. They've been a real game changer or real place of healing for me and sort of quieting down the anxiety that is more than I need it to be. That's not protective, that just makes me afraid of everything. And I've been calling them Wellbutrin wins. And one of my biggest Wellbutrin wins is that I came back to this podcast that I love so much and one of the other big Wellbutrin wins. Is that. Was even considering leaving Brooklyn because I had just rooted myself there. And it's a place that I created as an Oasis that I felt so strongly about. I loved having roommates. I loved where I lived. I mean, I could go on, obviously. I could wax poetic about Brooklyn forever. And so it felt really exciting that. Not knowing what the future held, not knowing where was going to land. Seemed like an amazing idea. I'm such a planner. I'm such a like tell me where I'm going 

to be in 20 years so I can reverse engineer and figure out what I should do now. Like I do not do well not knowing where things are headed and it felt like a real sign of. Of healing. And also a sign of the times. You know, I think a lot of people are feeling post pandemic kind of this cooped upness and also this really. Examining a values and what do they need and what do they want, what makes them actually incredibly happy. So I think I'm part of that larger trend and I'm very lucky that I have a great day job that is fully remote. And so I've been also working in the same 4 walls for two years, 2 1/2. And I was kind of done. I felt like I'd soaked up all the Brooklyn, all of my apartment and I was ready to go and so. I gave away most of my furniture. I sold what I could, but a lot of it was just stuff that meant a lot to me, but wasn't necessarily. It was just it wasn't necessarily worth to somebody else other than as a gift. And weirdly so. There's this Facebook group I did not know anything about called Buy nothing, Bui nothing. And it's super local to whatever neighborhood you're in, and essentially you can post things that you want to give to your neighbors and your neighbors just drop by and pick it up. I did not know about this. I found it out because I put stuff on my stoop, which is a very Brooklyn thing. And so when I come by and been so excited about my things, we got into a conversation and she had been on her way to a buy nothing group. So we're like, got chatting about, you know, neighbors. And one of the most incredible gifts of leaving Brooklyn is I met so many neighbors who were arriving from living with a partner who needed new furniture or furnishings. And we're so thrilled to have things that I had loved for a long time and cared for but didn't want or have. These four and where I was headed, and I felt, weirdly, as I was leaving a greater sense of community than I had felt in a really long time, began to know my neighbors. And it also reaffirmed that wherever I land, there will be community, there will be people, because we're all so connected, and Brooklyn 

can be one hard place to meet your neighbors. We often don't meet in the same building our neighbors. We don't. It's just a busy place where everyone is amazing, but busy and distracted, and so it's not. I mean, I really, I was actually pretty good at my neighbors, but it's not a common thing to know your neighbors, even your upstairs, downstairs across the hall, like in your own building. And so it was this really delightful way to hear people's stories of where they had come from and where they were going next and what they loved about Brooklyn. And so I gave away most of my furniture, sold what I could throughout what had to go, and I let go of my lease. And August 31st, I drove out of Brooklyn and I landed in Asheville. North Carolina, which is the 1st place that I'm staying for two months, I. It was very much like opposite Brooklyn, this idea that it's in the mountains and there's a lot of bluegrass music and it's. 

Not as active really appealed to me as like a palate cleanser. Like, I think I do need some kind of a small city. But I don't think I need that right now, and Brooklyn has been such a love of mine for so long, but I wasn't quite ready to. To go to the next city and land somewhere and. And so I feel like this incredible adventure has opened up for me and the reason that I'm bringing it up here. On this podcast is twofold. One is, um, I was listening to a podcast, Glenn and Doyle, who I'm obsessed with, and I think it's fantastic. Had Cheryl Strayed on who you may know, she was a columnist for kind of an advice columnist, writing under a pen name called Deer Sugar, and they published a bunch of her columns into a book. But also, very importantly, wrote the book Wild that turned into a movie that Reese Witherspoon starred in. That was phenomenal, and the book is amazing and it's about her. Losing her mother devastatingly to cancer and the places she goes with sex and drugs and then she decides to hike the Appalachian Trail having never hiked before, knowing nothing about gear, equipment or how to do it and sort of has this incredible journey of self discovery on this path. Anyway, it's a great book. One of the things that she said that really blew my mind was don't let your dreams ruin your life. And it it really struck me because. I I think one of the exciting, freeing things about leaving Brooklyn, and also scary about what's next, is I've identified as a Brooklyn person for a long time, and I've identified as an actor, an actor who is staying in Brooklyn, who is figuring out how to make their career work, who is in a hub of creativity in a industry city. You know, it's connected to TV shows and film and casting and theater and. Um. And I was sort of like, is this dream, this passion, this goal of mine, keeping me from a bigger life? 

And I have. I'm, like, still struggling with that question. I think it's a really hard one. I'm I don't think I'm ever going to give up on being an actor. I think there's something in me, in my bones that just says this is important to me. So maybe it's about changing how I relate to. What being an actor looks like? Is it just on a TV show? Is it just when I'm being paid? Is it just when I can pay all of my bills from acting? There are so many different. Levels of it, and for so long I've had one idea and I've really kept to it and prided myself on keeping to it. And I suddenly looked around and was like, wow, like I never thought about, you know, we live in a culture of follow your bliss. You know, if you do that, everything else will workout. And we, I think, romanticize often kind of how great it can be to have a passion and a goal and how that will just create your life for you. And I love this idea and I forget the example that she used, but she was talking about it might have been I think, I think this was her, but don't quote me if I'm wrong, but I think she was talking about she had this idea that she wanted to write the Great American novel. And she showed up and she was writing and writing, actually, no, she wasn't. She was showing up and she was procrastinating. She just could not get started on the work. And it was because she was so afraid that, like, the things that she wrote wouldn't be a Great American novel. And she finally had to have a a come to Jesus moment with herself where she realized that she was only here to do the thing that she was here to do. And this idea of the Great American novel was actually making it impossible for her to write anything. And so this idea that. Our passions may change and our dreams can be 1 guidepost in who we want to be, but not the whole guidepost is kind of really exciting. Again, still a question I'm grappling with because I I do. I am a stubborn Scorpio, and I feel like if I've committed something, I'm all in. So the idea of leaving and not being in a major city and not knowing where auditions are going to come from or projects is a big 

shift. But the other thing that I found really interesting and the reason that I'm excited about this. Journey is that I feel like. Life is meant to be so much bigger than just one thing. You know you are not your job. You are not your creativity. We are so much more than those things. And. I know for myself, and it's never been healthy, but I've always grappled with it, this idea, this binary of either I'm actor or I'm not, and the rest of my life not quite registering. Is being exciting or prideful or things that have accomplished or part of this adventure that is my life and. And I I didn't want to get stuck in that. That was one place where and I've adventured before. I've traveled a bunch and done a lot of things that were super fun, but they always felt in the context of how is this gonna help me be an actor? How is this gonna help me in my career? How am I not being an actor now? Because I went on this vacation and I didn't stay here till like audition. It's not just unique to me. I've heard this from other actors too. There is this sense that you always have to be on, otherwise you're missing out on the boat. I don't know if other artists feel the same thing, but I definitely feel that like productivity hustle all the time and. I didn't want to stay in a place because there was a dream there that was associated with it if the rest of my life could be so much bigger and. And so. I just said yes and I. What I love about taking guys on the road with me is I keep having these like aha moments about travelling at about adventure. That to me speaks so much to the creative spirit and the creative journey of letting go of where you're headed and getting lost as a purposeful, joyful thing. And I I've given myself time to kind of um. Launch. And I'm starting to get back into podcasting and into writing and actually meeting film makers and like finding other connections 

with people. But mostly it's been like, what's the focus has been on meeting people, staying in homes with dogs. And and like and and soaking in a new place, you know, where's the music? Where's the hiking trails? Where are the coffee shops? I want to hang out? Where's the yoga studio? What makes me really happy and excited to be here and trusting that that's enough of an adventure and that it's filling up the thing in me that then has something to say in the world and really working on breaking down this binary. Either I'm an actor or I'm not, because I'm also a writer and also a producer and also a director. And I've done so many other things. And my brain just got really focused on this one. Yes or no? Am I or aren't I? And how do you prove it that it doesn't let me see other things that are actually really exciting to me and really fulfilling? And so there's something incredibly freeing about. Leaving Brooklyn and leaving those labels and those identities that I've carried for a very long time that I'm very proud of and loved dearly. But leaving Brooklyn has opened me up to the bigger worlds, and there's something incredible always about travel that you sort of see how other people live, what could be possible for you. We all have routines and ideas and patterns and how we live our lives. And I love traveling because you always discover that there's a whole other way it could be done. And also being dropped into the city where nobody knows you and everyone's living their lives totally independent of your goals is, to me really refreshing. Because it it, I don't know, I I feel so much more possibility and so much more excitement about who do I want to be if I'm not trying to prove myself all the time to myself. So. Cheryl Strayed, don't let your dreams ruin your life. And how do you crack open your life to have adventure and creativity and not get stuck labeling? If I publish this book, if it gets on the New York Times best list. If it, you know, this is the number one Spotify playlist. Like all of these metrics that I understand, I get caught up in them too. But like, how much are we shrinking our lives 

by some idea of what should be proving to us that we are creative and we're living this really big life? More adventurous to come, so thrilled to have you on this journey. Um, can't believe I've done it, I? Terrixcited is also my other favorite word that I walked away with this idea that I knew in my bones. It was the right decision and it also was panicking every day about it and I thought, that's so interesting. I'm definitely not going to change my mind. This is definitely what I'm walking towards, but I've heard for a lot of times. I've heard my coach say many times. That fear is a sign that you're on the right path. Fear is not a sign that you should quit. And I heard that it was like, that makes sense, sure. But to actually live, it was a very different thing, because fear feels like danger. Fear feels like it is your body telling you don't do that, you will probably die. We don't know how that will work out, and we cannot protect you if we don't know how it's gonna work out. And our logic brain doesn't talk to our lizard brain very well. And so when we feel that panic, it feels primal. It is primal. And it feels true. And so it was really amazing to have both to have this higher calling of, no, it's we're just going, and the Wellbutrin that allowed me to talk back to my lizard brain and say I've like, figured out everything else. I just survived a pandemic. We can probably figure this out. You know, there are a lot of things I didn't know how to do that I got to learn. And I'm still learning. But I was able to trust myself more and also just be scared and take that as a sign that I was on the right path. So wishing you lots of terror excited moments and I'd love to hear from you. What maybe adventures are on the horizon for you as the as the world unfolds is hopefully we get back on our feet and to a place of I know we're not there yet, but the goal hopefully is that we will be OK. Be well my friends.