Rage Requires Creativity

I imagine all humans struggle with rage - there is certainly ample reason to be angry in this world.

Just the act of being human requires loving people, losing people. Having your heart broken, being rejected. Getting sick, watching your body deteriorate (if you're lucky.)

These are all incredibly difficult things, for which there is no one to yell at. No one to blame.

So the rage, that deep sense of loss and frustration and powerlessness, needs a form of expression.

This is where creativity meets us.

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

So reluctant to hit record because I am not sure I have any idea how to talk about this topic tonight. And I really wanna be honest and vulnerable with you guys. And I'm also realizing , uh hmm I'm very good at speaking vulnerably, but I'm not great at showing up affect wise , vulnerably meaning even when I'm talking about really hard, I tend to show up really happy and peppy and energized. Um, I'll get to that. Hi friends, this is , uh, my podcast, how to be your Own Use . I'm really happy to have you guys back , um, for a super uncomfortable topic tonight that , um, I'm just gonna write off the bat say I will probably butcher trying to talk about because I'm realizing I have no idea how to talk about it and nobody really does talk about it . I wanna talk about rage. Let's put it out there. And I've been feeling really ragey lately because I've been having another bout of flare up . If you know anything about me, I have this, I don't even wanna call it chronic illness, I just get sick a lot. We keep sort of figuring out what's wrong, but we also have to test theories of what's wrong and test theories of what might help. And there was a medication that , uh, was actually supplement that I need cuz I'm not making enough of a certain vitamin. And I took an extremely low dose of it knowing that my system is very sensitive and even at like one pill a week, low dose , I got really sick. Um, and it took about three weeks for me to get really sick and then by then it was too late to undo what I had done. So I was really sick for about a week. And this weekend it finally felt better. And by really sick, I mean every time I ate, my stomach hurt so much, I fell asleep. Um, it hurt to eat, it hurt not to eat , uh, those kinds of things. So I'm lucky that nothing is coming out of me from either orifice. Uh, I know other people have lots of IBS and Crohn's and issues. Um, gonna the bathroom, which is also incredibly debilitating and. I don't have that. I just have constant pain and it makes me afraid of food and it makes me afraid of people and it also makes me so exhausted that I cancel plans and don't go out. I sort of roll outta bed, <laugh>, pick up my laptop and roll back into bed and really blessed that I have a , a freelance day job that I can work from anywhere on my laptop and will do that. Um, and, and even some days that's really hard. Um, anyway, so I finally thought I was better and then I realized that that was just the week that the illness was in my body. The bad reaction to the thing that was making me feel terrible. And then once it left I on Monday was like, oh great, I can have a little bit of protein and I had a bite of a chicken sausage and I was sick for another 24 hours because it's too much. And so I live in a world where the rules for what I can eat change, hour to hour , meal to meal, day-to-day when I'm really healthy and strong, I have a much better sense of what I can eat and I can experiment more. And when I'm not, I don't even know what I'm allowed to eat. I have to figure it out. And I get a lot of coaching on this cuz it's really hard to do. And I'm actually very good at this. I've been at this for a while . Um, I'm still not great at owning that I have a chronic illness. Um, I may debate that till I die, but I'm definitely really good at showing up in pain, knowing when to take action and when to rest and when to push through cuz there's nothing more I can do for that day. Often I'll , um, my stomach like I think on Monday was killing me for hours and I ran errands just to keep myself uh, busy because I know if I walk it helps my body metabolize whatever is bothering it. Um, and I drink water and I do all the things, but at a certain point there is nothing to do but to get through it. And I was running errands and I'm in the car doing deep breathing because I feel like I'm gonna throw up , um, and dizzy and I get to the grocery store and I'm just singing to myself. I wanna throw up, I wanna throw up, I wanna throw up, I wanna throw up because I think what's really hard about this , um, apart from the chronic ness, which I'm still trying to figure out a good metaphor for because if you like, it's so hard to explain, it's so hard to explain. And one of the things that's really infuriating is the kindest people who wanna help don't understand most of them . And they wanna offer you food and they want, and then they wanna talk you into food and then they want a list of foods you can't eat and the list of foods you can't eat. And then what about this and what about this? And at that point nothing can be eaten and you don't wanna talk about it and it's infuriating and it's exhausting. And I snapped at a friend the other day who just kept listing foods and I was like, no, I actually need to not eat right now. Um, I think that was the first time she understood how terrible I felt because before that I walked in and was like, oh, I found this book that I wanna give to you. And one of the things that's really infuriating is that because I know there's not a lot I can do when I'm in pain other than wait it out, I distract myself and I make sure that when I talk to humans I, not that I'm in a good mood, but the flip side of that is if I show up and I'm in a really mood, it's a very lonely thing and no one can help. And so I end up leaving uh, that interaction and just feeling like if I push people away when I feel really, I end up feeling more alone. So I'd rather, you know, some days I'm like, let's talk about it. And most days I'm like, let's not. There's nothing you can do. And I really don't wanna go into the list of the 20 years of trying to feed myself that I have in my brain and figuring out what I can have today. It's just not a fun topic. So a lot of it's really lonely. I have a lot of support, I have a health coach and I have a really great doctor and I get coaching from a regular coach because that is the level of stuff I'm going through. Um, but it's really hard. It's really, really, really hard. And I think everyone has their own heart. I don't think my heart is more than anyone else's. I think being a human is hard. You sign up to love people and have them die and get old and leave you and there's heartbreak and there's your own body falling apart and there's money and kids and the climate that we screwed up, like there's just a lot. Um, no one gets off scot-free. I don't care how much money you have, no one is exempt from how hard being a human is. And so what's interesting is I was talking to a coach about this and I was kind of going through the list of things and you know, being like, well what about this thought if I thought this, would it be better if I thought this? And, and she just said like, you're doing all the right things. You've already made a list of what you can do, a list of what you can't do, your thoughts, so your head's in a really good place. She's like, you're just really angry. And I was like, yeah, what do I do with that? She was like, that's the million dollar question. And as I said at the beginning, I don't think we live in a culture where anger is appropriate, especially not for women, especially not women of color or black men, black women , um, have extra rules about how they can show their emotions. Women have extra rules about how they can show their emotions. But I don't think men, white men are off scot-free either because I think their anger has to be channeled in a certain way that's often violent and inflicts injury on others, which might definitely not the healthiest way. And I don't think they get offered a whole bunch of options. So I don't think anyone's getting off Scott free on how to express their anger. Um, I just wanna shout out that certain people have extra rules that they live under that make it more infuriating to be angry, not be able to say anything about it. And I think we all have reason to be angry about something if not many, many things. And I was thinking about how when I'm angry at a person or I'm angry at a situation, I will either troubleshoot the situation and fix it or if the person I'm gonna look for how did I contribute to this? What can I learn from this? How can we have a better conversation? Do we wanna strengthen the relationship or walk away from it? Like there just feels like things you can do and for something that is repetitive and never ending . And one of the reasons it's infuriating is cuz I'm now oversleeping my alarm most morning. So I wake up terrified I'm gonna miss a meeting late to my day, missing out on morning meditation and journaling practices and walking and all the things that keep me calm and help counter my anxiety. And so what I have is this sense and I've been sick and some days are better than others. And so the idea of making plans is like, oh we're still in this. I thought we'd be done last weekend but we're still in this. So should I make a plan for this weekend? Should I try to see a friend? Should I go out? I don't know. And if I go out, can I eat anything? Probably not. Um, and if I eat something at lunch, will I be sick at dinner? Who knows? So , uh, yeah. And then the waking up late makes me not trust my body, not not know if I can make a plan for tomorrow or when I'll be available or when my day will start and losing those morning hours to get stuff done. And yeah, like I don't, I'm a planner. I like knowing what my week c I like setting goals. I like saying by the end of the week I'm gonna have this thing done. Like this podcast I've been trying to get done for many days at this point and just been feeling so and had a lot to deal with for that. And I just , um, so all the goal setting that people teach you that I'm sure is incredibly valuable is not always super helpful to me. And I find that really, really hard. So my point mostly being that there is no one to yell at about this thing, there is no thing to yell at cuz it's my body struggling to live in this world. Um, there's something about how it functions and how maybe it isn't making enough stomach acids. We're not sure it's got inflammation, we're not sure. We may never know entirely. I also hate that I really wanna know a answer but we may never know. Um, and so for someone who really likes to plan, I can't be mad, I don't wanna be mad at my body, I wanna be in allyship. That sounds like an thing. Like I've taken from <laugh> , sorry, I don't know what the word is right? But I wanna be a good steward of my body and I certainly don't wanna be mad at it cause it's doing its best it can to function given how it's built to make whatever enzymes it's making. So I can't yell at anybody, I don't wanna yell at my friends. It's not their fault. I don't wanna yell at anybody I care about. And so, or even anybody I don't care about, I don't wanna yell at people in general. This is my thing about yelling at people or taking out your anger on someone else . It doesn't solve anything. It just gives them a reason to now be angry and pass it on to someone else. I don't wanna pass that on. I wanna pass on kindness. So my anger is mine to deal with and I'm okay with that. I just don't know what to do with it. And a lot of the examples about like planning and oversleeping, those are things I can fix. I can figure out, okay, if I'm gonna sleep until this hour, then we're gonna figure out how to be awake until this hour and we'll use this time and we'll just like change the plan. I can do all that work. That's what I do on coaching. But the other part of the equation is actually just making space to feel rage. And, and I don't know how to do that and I'm scared of my own anger and I'm scared of expressing it around others and I'm scared of being unlovable because I have anger and I'm scared of having two strong emotions, which some people get scared off by. Um, I actually have a friend who's really struggling with how I feel things really strongly and that's been hard for our relationship, our friendship. Um, so I went to this coaching call talking about this and she essentially said, look, when it comes to the how to solve the logistics of you can't show up to your life, you're sick, you don't know for how long you've gotta alter your plans , you've gotta it all go figured out. Like you're just having to figure out day to day and it sucks but you know how to do that. And the thing about rage is it's just meant to be felt. And I was like, but I don't know what to do with it. And she said, well good thing you're an artist cuz now is where you get to be creative about what do you wanna do with it. I was like, oh, she's like, there's no one way. You know, a lot of people talk about taking a stick in the woods and like slamming a tree with it or hitting the floor or taking a pillow and taking a tennis racket or a bat and hitting the pillow. I have really bad joint pain so I actually can't do that. Which sounds marvelous. Another reason to be off, but like <laugh> join me in the , what is it? Like join me in the dark place now. Um , so I can't do that. And and so we started talking, you know, like what could I do? And I'm like, well I was in a , a practice once that talked about, they called it swamping, which was the idea that you would play really emo, grungy sad music, whatever works for you . And you would dance to it and you would just let your body feel all of its emotions. And it wasn't like pretty dancing. It was like start on the floor and just feel like a blob and let your blobness lead you somewhere. And I was like, oh, I could do that. That's gentle. Um, and I was like, you know , I've been getting into coloring lately and I thought, and I doodle a lot when I'm journaling and I thought, oh great, even just taking a black pen and like drawing the darkness and the pain and the anger actually feels really good. And that's when I realized that creat that rage requires creativity. That one of the things that art does for us either collectively or individually, both overlapping sometimes is gives us ways to express this stuff. And there are a lot of ways in which playing the guitar or singing a song might be a better avenue to express love , um, or community or kinship. But um, being able to paint with really dark colors or being able to, yeah, I gotta think of things that don't hurt my joints. Which is hard because I think part of the rage is like you feel it full body and you just wanna let it out and but the idea that there's all these different places where it can be expressed, that's not about saying it to a person that's saying, there's this really thing that exists in the world and honestly pick your thing because the infuriating and the climate crisis is terrifying. Families are really hard, loving people is incredibly painful. Even when it's good. I mean all of it, all of it's hard, right? So we've all got reasons and, and for some people maybe that's poetry, whether writing it or reading it and maybe it's writing an essay or reading. I got a lot of comfort reading books and I got a lot of comfort reading books from people who are going through really dark because I think we have hard time talking to each other about dark stuff. It's scary and we're not really trained to hold it. And especially in the US we're kind of very big on like, Hey, I'm good, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, you're fine. Good <laugh>. And Europeans are always like, why are you guys so happy? And they're much more comfortable with just being in a bad mood and letting that not be a problem. And I think we have a lot of , um, deep desire to be okay all the time around each other, which makes it hard when you're going through a thing. So I also don't wanna start by like, ah , I feel like. And then have that land and have that person feel responsible for that or not know what to say. I don't wanna create that kind of a gap or distance between us. So , um, yeah, other places that you can put it. And I'm, I'm blanking cuz I actually haven't spent a ton of time. Mine were really about like doodling and dancing, which are my places to go. Um, but a lot of things I write down are like listening to just angry, frustrated music makes me really happy. Reading books that are dark, I've been in like a fantasy ya uh, a rabbit hole . And what I love about that is like bad, but it's also make believe bad. So somehow you feel a little bit of distance from it and there's magic makes me feel better about things. Um, but having other people's expression of their painful times I find really, really helpful. And some of the most impactful books I've read have been memoirs. I still remember reading a memoir from someone's, she actually shared her diary entries from when she was so clinically depressed. She had to get electro shock therapy in order to get better and was dark. But it also at the time I was incredibly depressed and it also helped reflect back, oh this like darkness I live in isn't just mine. And as terrible and awful as that seems, that is in itself a connection and that is a way to be less alone in the thing that's hard. So I think of all the plays that I've seen, especially by Irish Playmakers, they have a long history of just feeling and being shot on . Um, they tend to be known for their darkness and their their moodiness. Uh, and so yeah, there's, there's just places where not only creating can lead to someone else allowing for theirs to be let out, right? There's the therapeutic, the catharsis of , um, I think about this a lot when you watch someone and they finally are able to cry on screen or they get to yell, that was another big one, A silent yell. I love that. I've been pointing myself just like all my muscles clench and I just, I don't actually wanna make the sound. It hurts my throat, but I just wanna like scream. And I find that deeply helpful. And I know when I watch someone do that on TV and they get to have all that emotion, it allows me to feel that that's safe and that my humanity is expressed through that. And it doesn't mean I'm only that it means I am that and other things. So as I said, I don't know that I've made sense of this. I don't know that I've gotten anywhere. Uh, I like to show up to these things with like three clear points that I wanna make and my brain is so fuzzy and I'm so angry and don't know what to do with any of it. So of course I showed up to talk about it and give myself ideas. And I think every day that I think about this , um, I don't know, I'm trying to be in the swamp and not let it be a reason. There's this thing about resistance that a lot of what causes suffering is you don't like how you're feeling now and you don't wanna feel it and you're trying so hard not to feel it, that you make it worse. So I am trying to allow myself to be in this feeling and hate it a little bit less <laugh>. I'm not aiming for not hating it. Um, and I think once I can get to that place, then maybe I can be like, okay, this is the time we rage out. What's it gonna be today? And also like when is it a thing I do when I wake up in the morning? Is it a thing I do at three o'clock? Is it a thing that needs to happen every hour? I think part of the creativity thing is also testing on yourself and your system and being like, what kind of rage do I need? Do I need to scream with a group of people by the river? Is that what's helpful? Do I need a community? You know? Um, I feel like this is what sports are built for, right? Like you get to ram your body and take your energy and throw it. Um, and you get to be in community while you do it. I'm thinking of , uh, football and soccer for some reason. Uh, wait, football, American football, soccer, you don't ram yourself at people. Um, but, or rugby, you know, there's a couple of full contact sports. A lot of them aren't, but even people playing tennis, if you're really into it, you're like whacking the ball. So I don't know, I don't know. I'm offering this thing that I have not at all solved and have just started scratching the surface of and really hate that I even have to figure out because I would like to not be an angry person and I would like not to have to feel rage ever, but apparently that's not a option for anyone as far as I know, although I haven't researched it. But I have a feeling that all of us humans are in the same boat. That's all I got for this

Speaker 2: 20:46

Week. I hope you guys are well, whether you're raging or not. Cause um, yeah, at least then you're in it. And that's for lack of anything else. Still a good place to be.