The Stories We Tell About Ourselves

As artists, we have brilliant imaginations that we put to compelling use.
Those imaginations can create bright fantasies, and irresistible dramas.

When we use them on ourselves, we can daydream about awards and recognition, reaching a wider audience, creating greater impact. Or we can tell a story of defeat, of impossible odds, of a world against us and no way up.

Sometimes, often, we tell both.

And as entertaining as they are, they can be debilitating. If we craft a story that strips away our agency, that make us a victim, that carries no future.

So - what kind of stories are you telling about yourself?

Come check out the Hot Mess series on TikTok, and watch as I lose my mind - and find it again - writing, producing, and acting in a show!

#CreatingIsHealing🦋

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi, my friends. I feel like this is another time where I'm hitting record against my better judgment <laugh>. I feel like that's been that a lot lately. Um, if you're listening to this and not watching on YouTube , um, I am wearing a sling today and I've been wearing a sling on and off for a couple weeks now. Um, I'm not gonna get too much into it. Uh, mostly I'm fine. I have really bad inflammation in my shoulder joint and , um, it hurts to type and it hurts to sit up and it hurts to walk right now , uh, which is like a really, really thing . And so I've been thinking about you guys because as I've said before, when you have a mystery chronic illness and you kind of get knocked down a lot out of the blue , uh, it feels like the first thing to go is the creative projects. You know, you, what is it? Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Survival is first, and you gotta figure out how to feed yourself. And showering suddenly becomes a hard thing. Buying groceries becomes a hard thing. So those get priority. Um, having a day job that pays my bills and gives me health insurance, gonna see doctors sitting around in doctor's waiting rooms and getting tests and following up on tests , um, <laugh> , all of these things sort of become a full-time job, if not a part-time job, and also just take up a lot of energy when you're already kind of drained from energy. And so the idea that there is time to read, audition notices, we're still in the time of the strike. Um, uh, the actor strike if you've been following, and the writer strike. And so productions have halted on anything that is , uh, run by the major studios and the streamers. But a lot of independent films are getting approvals, waivers in order to go into production. So there are still acting projects happening. There are still people creating new things. Um, in honor of the , uh, writer's strike, we're really not, anyone who's not in the writer's union, which I am not, is also asked not to be pitching anything new. Um, but the same idea to really stand in solidarity and show the dearth of original material of material, period when writers and creatives are not paid properly for their services. So it's not a time necessarily to be going out and, and meeting people, but it is a time to be maybe working on the script on your own to be honing your acting skills or getting together with friends and doing short films or talking about projects that you might wanna make someday . Um, there's always creativity to be had and even if it's not about being able to sell something, you know, and get it on a network someday , there is in me, and I do believe in most everyone a drive to be creative. It's, it's this human need to express yourself, to connect. Um, and I feel like with me, it sort of pours out of me. And I think a lot about my mom and I are very, very different. And , uh, I always kind of shorthand call her a jock and myself, the emo artist of the family. Um, and, and her real mode of expression as far as I understand it, and I could be wrong, is to really go running, is to go hiking, is to move her body , um, and exercise and push hard. I have never been that person. I am understanding more and more as my body , uh, has more and more difficulties that it was probably never gonna be a thing I could do. I was a dancer growing up. Um, but like running sports, I could never do it just hurt too much everywhere. Um, so I don't have that same drive every day to move my body, but I do have a similar drive every day to create something, to be reading or writing or acting, making music. And when that goes out the window, anyone who is an athlete, I have a friend recently who had shoulder surgery. Um, and the non ability to get out and go biking or running or see friends socially around an activity, it's really, really hard on the psyche, on the ability to keep going. And , um, so, so this is been a tough time is what I'm saying. And I'm trying not to go too much into the details of it because I don't really want this podcast to be about chronic illness, although apparently it's becoming that because this mystery illness keeps coming up with new ways to torture me. Um, but a lot of what I'm trying to figure out is how to keep going, how to not lose the faith of the things that are still in me to create. And I've talked before about finding ways in which to do like micro goals, you know, even just using Instagram to post an interesting picture and write a short story or micro blog or a great caption, right? Um, I've gotten into flash memoir writing, which I could do from bed, which is great. Um, and, and those are specifically one to two page essays. And I'm loving that expression and I'm loving even the editing process, which is not something I've never quite enjoyed before. And I am , cannot play guitar right now because my shoulder is. Um, but hopefully in a, I was gonna say a few weeks, I don't know how long it'll take for my shoulder to really , um, here's the problem. I got no broken bones, which is great. I've got dis dislocation, which is amazing. But broken bones weirdly are easier to heal because once they knit back together, you can just kind of get back to things. And inflammation in your tendons is really tricky because you need to exercise in order to build strength. But when you exercise, you also inflame everything. And then you kickstart going back to square one, which means rest and ice and doing nothing. And I'm kind of in that cycle where I was feeling better. I went to physical therapy, we barely did anything, and I've been in excruciating pain for three days ever since. So big suckage in that. And so, you know, I might not be able to play guitar, but I can be singing and I can be learning songs. And , um, there are always ways to be creating stuff. And one of the biggest ways to be creating , uh, as I was thinking about you guys is thinking about the stories in which the stories we tell about ourselves. I've been getting, as always, a lot of life coaching around being sick because it's a really tough thing to navigate. And I keep getting called out by my coaches for saying, my body keeps breaking. And they're like, you know, that might not be the most positive way to talk about your body. And I'm like, that's fair. I'm sure there's a better way. Um, and their point isn't asking me to be hunky dory pie in the sky and like, everything is fine. Or huggy dory tomorrow, you know, sunshine Annie , uh, the sun will come out and everything will be fine. It's really not about that. But I was thinking about how one of the absolute gifts and also curses of being an artist is your vast imagination. And so my ability to write a story that feels incredibly dramatic because I feel inside of an incredible medical drama , um, is easy. And, and using language is also a way that I make sense of what I'm going through. And so feeling like my body just keeps breaking, feels very aptt. And it might be useful in some ways in order for me to kind of , um, understand at a very base level how I'm feeling. But I think what ends up happening, which is why I keep getting called out on it , um, for it not being the most useful, is that it becomes this sense of my body keeps breaking and there's nothing I can do, right? There's a hidden second sentence to that. There's a hidden follow up , or my body keeps breaking and doctors don't know why, or my body keeps breaking and I don't know when the next thing will be. So why bother trying anything else now? And so what you start to see when you go looking for the second sentence that accompanies the first sentence or the, not the hidden meaning, but the yeah, the like unfinished thought, is that saying, my body is broken even to myself, even

Speaker 2: 8:54

Casually to friends, even casually to the barista when I go with my sling and ask for coffee is reinforcing these ideas that I don't have agency, I don't have clarity, and potentially I don't have a ton of hope. And what's really interesting is those aren't actually entirely true in terms of I work really hard every day. I spent the weekend and the past couple of days researching the glenohumeral joint, I believe that's the right word , uh, which is a shoulder joint and researching all of the muscles of the shoulder joint and researching all of the muscles of the back and trying to learn them because I want them to get strong. And I'm realizing that the exercises my physical therapist are giving me are too advanced for where I'm at in my inflammation. And so I need to be able to come up with a plan and also discuss with him his plans and understand what he wants me to do, and then try to figure out what my body can do. And so I am teaching myself to be an expert in my own body and I'm teaching myself to advocate for myself with medical experts who know what they know and figure out where does my body meet their, their knowledge and where does my body have its own wisdom and need a different way of doing things. It's incredibly hard work. It's incredibly exhausting. I'm a nerd, so I'm kind of loving learning Latin words of like googling the etymology of, what was the other one? It was , uh, latisimus Dorsey. And which means like the broad back shoulder from the Latin. I'm pretty sure I'm messing that up, but something like that, right? So I'm nerding out because I'm me and I've way too much time to kill in bed because I can't really use my arm for much. And I've seen all the Netflix, I think. Um, so there are ways in which I am rising to the occasion, and also my shoulder is better today than it was yesterday and better yesterday than it was the day before. I'm able to sit upright for the length of this, which is progress. Um, I went for a short walk yesterday, very short, which was progress. So they're very small victories and it's easy to tell the story of being inside of the storm of this and not quite seeing your way out in part because it does feel so frustrating. A lot of that is how come other people get to just gallivant about with their functioning, you know, limbs and joints. And I literally did this getting a massage because <laugh> , there are limits to my body. I'm still learning. And, and so the story that I have that my body is broken, and I don't know if it'll ever stop being broken, also goes along with the stories of how I talk about being an artist and an actor, which I don't share a lot, but because they're so negative. But in my own head, it's often I don't have X, Y , z and credits, therefore, I'm not a quote unquote real actor. I haven't been paid thousands of dollars to be to have a part on a TV show or film, therefore, I'm not a quote unquote real actor. You know, there's all this messiness around the commerce of acting and the art of acting and they don't always meet. And , and this idea also that someone else gets to decide when you're a real actor, someone else gets to decide. This will be parallel back to being, you know, sick and injured . The doctors are like, yeah, your bones are great. I'm like, cool, cool. I still can't get outta bed 'cause I'm so much pain. And so the, the experience I'm having inside of my body is not matching what I'm being told. Um, doesn't mean my bones aren't totally fine, it means there's a bigger story to it. But what happens when I go to doctors repeatedly, I'm gonna go see an immunologist next week, and they run a bunch of tests and they're like, yeah, there's nothing wrong. I'm like, cool, cool. Still can't get outta bed. That gets really tricky, right? Because my lived experience is not matching with the reality of their data and their science. And I'm not at all saying their science is wrong. I just think there's more we don't know about the body than what we do know. And it can be really hard to have doctors tell you that there's nothing wrong simply because their tests don't find anything. Instead of saying, my tests haven't found something, it means I don't know how to help you, but something is going on anyway. What ends up happening is this lack of agency, right? Because in order to figure out and fix my body, I still gotta go to people who know more than I do. I still gotta get tests . I still gotta figure out how do I download their knowledge so I can learn, right? I don't know how to rehab my shoulder. I don't know how to make my deltoid strong, although I'm learning. Um, I, I don't know all the things that I need to know. I don't even know really what's wrong. Like I didn't quite realize how much I wasn't exercising my shoulder and therefore letting the muscles get weak and therefore causing more , um, stress on my tendon. Um, and sometimes you don't know something until you hit a point of crisis and then like, oh, I should have been doing this all along, right? And so now I'm trying to catch up and learn that so I can have new habits. And where it , where it parallels to this idea of like how we are as artists is I often think that in Hollywood, in acting, there is a, there, there, right? There's a place you can land where suddenly you have been approved of. Suddenly you are the successful person that you wanna be. And the more I read about different actors and artists, the more I realize that there is no they're there, there is a lot of constellations of people making things. There are studios who maybe have bigger marketing budgets so their films get seen or heard about by more people, but they can also rubber stamp you on a Marvel film and then a year later decide to drop you and then you don't belong to that machine anymore. And you're sort of always left in a position of fighting for Revel , uh, fighting for relevance and trying to figure out how do you create a stamp or how do you make a stamp? Or how do you reach people with your art? Same with I'm sure galleries this idea that, you know, you've got paintings that you wanna sell. Who is the person who's gonna help you get spotlighted so that others can recognize you? And when are you recognized enough? And then how hard do you have to work to stay relevant? There's this sea change that's constantly happening. The idea of artists are always , um, certainly with actors, they say you're only as good as your latest film. Um, and, and I'm sure with, you know, musicians also, if you look at , uh, album releases and like the, the , I read interviews, right? I will talk about like the last two albums didn't really do much. And this one is doing really great and sort of like the journey of it. And you're constantly trying to figure out this intersection between refining the art and the storytelling, the the craft and also the, the marketing of it. The way to reach people and maybe get paid by it in order to make your livelihood, right? These are like very different buckets that intersect. And so it can be , um, confusing to figure out which one you could be on a Marvel film and get paid a ton of money, but then feel artistically create creatively kind of empty. And so maybe you go and make an indie film for a couple years, but then you need the studio budget in order to, and the studio marketing for people to know you as a household name so that then indie films will hire you because indie films need a household name in order for their film to get seen. So you're constantly circling back and forth between the big projects that have their own marketing machine and the smaller ones that maybe feel more creatively fulfilling. And then trying to figure out how to pair bills in the middle of all that. That's at least for actors and filmmakers and directors. So there's this idea that I have of how do I tell the story of my place in this constellation? How do I tell the story of, you know, I haven't made, I was gonna say I haven't made a feature film. And I was like, wait, I have made a feature film. It's on Amazon, right? I haven't made enough films. I'm like, well, I've made what four films? What is enough? Right? I haven't been on a, and again, my brain, you can hear it, is looking for the notness, the not enough, the haven't done this, the this proves whatever. And so again, it's where my imagination is creating the story of not enough, the story of , uh, not worthy, the story of not belonging. Those are just for me, very , uh, well laid tracks. I tend to think those things about a lot of different things , uh, which is true of everybody. We all have our themes, we all have certain beliefs we hold about ourselves and they tend to repeat and replay. So you'll probably feel the same thing about work as you will about your body, as you will about maybe your relationships as about money. They tend to, it's just how our brains are, right? And because our brains believe these so strongly, they look for evidence of these things all the time. And so what I wanna get back to is this idea that we as artists have these incredible imaginations. You know, I can spin daydream, all kinds of amazing stories and terrible stories. Dramas half the fun, right? The angst and the battle and the conflict and the yearning. These were what make great novels and great films and great music. And it can be fun weirdly, right? We go see, we go see films that make us jump and scream and cry and we call that entertainment, right? Letting ourself feel things really deeply is, is fun, which I use in air quotes because of its ability to release in you something that you are maybe itching to feel and don't have other places to release. And it also just feels good. It's like people get on rollercoasters right? To go up and then feel that incredible high adrenaline and then have your stomach drop as you go down the other side. That is fun. Feeling that intensity is fun. And so I can daydream an intense scenario about a fight or meeting a meeting a dude and having some big love affair or you know, we tend to like go back and relive our last fights or whatever it is. And we can do the same thing with our lives, with the facts of our lives, with saying this, you know, shoulder thing that is happening. Um, it's easy because it is painful and it is scary to have to cancel all of my plans and stay in bed and not know when I will be better and not feel like a doctor knows how to tell me when to get better. But I gotta keep figuring this out with their help. But really figuring this out on my own , um, that's terrifying. And so in the midst of all that panic and all that time on my hands , um, it can be easy, convenient shorthand to spin a tale of brokenness, of drama, of. And so what I've been thinking about is like, what if I flip that and I get to keep the like drama, but I become like the hero's journey of like, oh man, and then this happened and then got knocked down and had to prove their worthiness by doing X, Y, Z. And then, you know, their faithful friend came and joined them and helped pull them out, maybe cook them meals and right. So trying. And as I , even as I say that, I'm like, oh , that's so lame, right? I prefer stories and it's good to know this about yourself. I think most of us do. I sort of prefer the stories where it's too hard and I'm failing and the world is against me and my body's against me. That's one of my patterns. So that's why I'm trying to highlight it here and for myself is to catch where it is that I tell stories. Because if I think the world is against me, my body's against me, then the stories I tell of this journey will not be how much I've managed to stay in the podcast and how much I've managed to make a short film that went to a film festival and how much I've managed to learn about my body so I could care for it better and better and better every time something happens. And learn to not advocate for it better and better. And learn to put the pieces together of why all these joints keep , um, they're not breaking but they keep , um, inflaming, right? There's something happening that don't even have language for, which is part of I think what's so scary, right? Without language we feel like we don't have control over something, it's just happening to us. And so even just the practice of getting good at naming what I'm going through naming , I'm literally keeping a list of like, what are my experiences? I don't see the physical therapist until next week, day by day . What is the experience? How is the shoulder pain changing? What does the shoulder pain feel like? Where is it? What are the activities I can and cannot do? Because that's data he can understand and translate. And that's not how I'm used to talking about it. I'm used to talking about it anecdotally like this. I was in bed for three days. Everything was so rough I had to, you know, call in sick to work. That is true, but that's also a very big statement. Versus the first day I had to lie completely immobile and the second day I got to work a little bit and I could take a walk and the third day I could shower and sit up. These do not feel like victories as I'm explaining them, but they're huge in terms of data, in terms of learning what my body's trying to tell me. And so one of the things that I wanna offer is getting good. And I don't want you to give up the drama 'cause the drama is fun, right? But getting good at teasing out the story that you tell about this really tough thing, this really tough time that you're going through and the actual data of it, right? My shoulder is burning. We are unclear why this movement hurts. This movement does not, that's data and that has a lot. I have a coach who says, you know, you're, you're talking in facts and data when you're like very bored by the story. So that's always a good gut check, right? When you're like, oh my God, and then it burned for three days, right? That's a fun story to tell. So, you know, you're probably not in your data line. You're probably talking about like the drama of it. And the drama is fun and really useful , uh, in terms of entertainment and in terms of feeling like you are going through this and maybe I am lacking for entertainment Netflix aside, right? So maybe I'm enjoying the drama again. I just don't wanna take that away from you. And it serves me more to have maybe alongside that a sense of the actual facts. And so when I come back to this idea of like, what are the stories you're telling about yourself and your creative career, or even just the not , it doesn't have to be a career, right? Tied to money. It could be a creative project. Like what is the story you're telling about the novel? You know, is it like, oh , I tried and tried and I'm not done. Instead of last year I wrote 50 pages this year I've written 20 pages. Those feel so different than I tried and tried. And that sense of like, and it's not working and it's never gonna happen. And similarly for me, this idea of, ugh , I've never been a real actor. Instead of I've done X number of plays, I've done x number of films, I've written x number of scripts, suddenly I'm like, oh , that's weird. Way less interesting of a story , story , way less dramatic. But also my brain just kind of goes, huh? 'cause then it gets questiony, not a word. Uh, it starts questioning, well then what does make a real actor? And what , where are my bonne is ? I can't say that word either. Uh, what are the , um, credentials that allow me to then say, yes, I am an actor. No, I'm not an actor. 'cause when you start listing data, you just ask a lot cleaner questions. And then, so the drama against you is kind of where we tend to live as humans. The neutral data is like the boring middle ground. And then for extra bonus points, can you flip the story to the hero's journey, to you overcoming these things? Whatever it is that's kept you from writing the novel you wanna write or painting the painting that is inside of you or performing the songs that you have, right? How can you see you as constantly showing up and trying to get these things done in spite of all of these things? And look for the allies that walked the path with you. And look for the mentors who taught you the wisdom and look for them ways in which you showed up for yourself. It's the place that I'm struggling, right? Because mystery illness has been really kicking my. I gotta work on that one this year. And it, I've, it feels like every time I get better, something else happens and I feel like I keep getting knocked sideways. And so the story is becoming , um, more and more dramatic, harder and harder to see where it is that I can still have hope because I start to think, well next month something else is

Speaker 3: 26:42

Gonna gonna break. So really why bother? And the thing that I'm working on that I am not at all there yet. So I'm starting with a neutral and the data, which is like, in this month this happened, and in this month this happened. And on this day this burned and on this day I did this. Because my hope is that I get to look at that data and rather than pity myself, which I think is part of why it's hard to look at, rather than grieve the things I wish had been that aren't, which is feels unbearable right now, I can look at that data and say, this happened, this medical thing, this happened, this film got made, this audition got done, this manager signed me. And then I can maybe tell a different story with this incredible imagination of mine. Thanks for joining me this week. Be well, my friends.